yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
