just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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