So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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