Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Randomize