I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
