She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
