well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
