dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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