Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
