i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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