Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Every concussion has its silver lining
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
