I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
