he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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