I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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