shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
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