I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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