I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
