I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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