"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
