just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
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