she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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