peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
