she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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