Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
