if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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