i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I wish life had little blips of pornography
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
