I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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