After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Vodka?
Forever.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
