He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
