Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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