I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
