Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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