she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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