when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
