4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize