Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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