I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
