also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Randomize
