Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
