dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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