he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
you will always have a special place in my vag
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
