I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
