My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
