I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
