I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
