It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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