2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
