dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
