So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
