You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
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