Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
