i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
