There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
