I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
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