Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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