My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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