So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
