Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
