How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
