Umm I'm too high to move.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize
