seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
