oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
