He disabled his match.com account in front of me
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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