I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
