I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
