this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
