Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
