The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
