Betty ford says i'm here all night
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
